Robin's Blog 4 Parents and Teenagers

Parents and teenage issues - end of year thoughts

2011-12-14T18:15:00.000-08:00

Another year rushes by and I am able to reflect on some of the issues I have been dealing with in and out of a school environment during the past year.

There seem to be major issues around too many boys not stepping up in co-educational school environments. Girls put their hands up quickly and offer to take on duties, tasks, new challenges. Boys, aware of this, sit back and do little. Of course this is a gross generalisation, but I seem to see more and more of this happening and, in discussion with other teachers at other schools, there seems to be a common problem emerging. A challenge for 2012 will be how to encourage boys to step up and become the best they can be.

Issues around cyberbullying don't seem to go away. I am always amazed at how, despite numerous discussions, warnings etc. etc., so many students are guilty of cyber bullying, especially on Facebook. What concerns me more is how many parents, also despite so many words of advice from people in the know, do not seem to do much to help their children appreciate the issues around cyber bullying. How many parents even know when their children are using the internet? How many parents allow their children to have internet access in their bedrooms?

I am also becoming concerned at the lack of creativity and innovation of many students. Their world of instant gratification seems to have stopped them thinking, planning, exploring, being creative and innovative and so much more. Of course this is still a gross generalisation, though there are more and more signs prevalent amongst too may young people.

My old hobby horse remains. The wonders of the Digital Age are evident for one and all and it is amazing what can be done, who one can communicate with etc. etc. Yet, while all this is going on, I see the breakdown of communication. Are we educating children about developing the social skills to build long-term meaningful relationships? This can't be done via computer - difficult to have the eye contact, check out the body language etc.

Mmmm .... probably time to stop and keep reflecting :-)

36 Tips for a Positive Parenting Life

2011-08-27T02:17:00.000-07:00

An Angel says, 'Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice.'
1. Pray.
2. Go to bed on time.
3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.
4. Say ‘No’ to projects that won't fit into your time schedule or that will compromise your mental health.
5. Delegate tasks to capable others.
6. Simplify and unclutter your life.
7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.)
8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.
9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together.
10. Take one day at a time.
11. Separate worries from concerns.If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety.If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it.
12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases.
13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden,extra stamps,etc.
14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.
15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.
16. Carry a spiritually enlightening book with you to read while waiting in line.
17. Get enough rest.
18. Eat right.
19. Get organized so everything has its place.
20. Listen to a CD while driving that can help improve your quality of life.
21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.
22. Every day, find time to be alone.
23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray.
24. Make friends with Godly people.
25. Keep a folder of favourite scriptures on hand.
26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a
good, 'Thank you GOD.'
27. Laugh.
28. Laugh some more!
29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.
30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).
31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most).
32. Sit on your ego.
33. Talk less; listen more.
34. Slow down.
35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.
36. Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before. GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU.

'If God is for us, who can be against us?'
- (Romans 8:31)
(Source unknown)

5 Tips for Parents of girls

2011-05-29T00:15:00.000-07:00

5 tips for parents of girls adapted from a talk by a psychologist who has worked with many many teens over the years.

1. Negotiate the rules early – start conversations about values, sex, alcohol, drugs, appropriate/inappropriate behaviour early.
2. Use consequential language ie, your choices have consequences (good/not so good).
3. Don’t be a doormat.
4. Always say what you mean and mean what you say.
5. Use non-verbal management strategies eg, turning off the TV or disabling a computer.

Key questions to ask yourself when you consider how to parent your child:

1. What is safe?
2. What is fair?
3. What is reasonable?

And, never forget, you were an adolescent once yourself :-)

Boys will be boys and .....

2010-12-22T22:03:00.000-08:00

Boys will be boys and they need a great deal of guidance as they journey through their adolescent years.

Graham is 15 and, from a recent conversation, I have learnt that he spends about 56 hours a week playing computer games, on the internet, involved in other internet games, participating in some questionable chat rooms (his own admission) etc. etc. From a little research I have done, children should not be allowed to spend more than two hours a day playing games, on the internet like this etc. What has happened now is that Graham has become totally disconnected from school. He is not a major behaviour problem at all, though he undermines teachers, makes smart comments, mostly of a negative nature, and is influencing a student or two who are in vulnerable places and easily influenced.

Graham's parents know all about this - dare I call it an addiction? - and yet he is allowed to continue this most unhealthy lifestyle.

How was this matter discovered? Simply by finding out which students in a school in a particular age group were actively connected and involved in the school eg, through sport, music, drama or some other extracurricular activities.

Graham's future journey will be interesting. Some interventions are being organised with Graham's support .....

What I have also observed during the past year is that boys in particular, in this 15 and 16 year age group, who are developing behaviour issues and making poor choices, without exception have no goals in their lives and are simply drifting along. Binge drinking is becoming an issue. In some cases, they are not coping with academic work, everything seems too hard and so they are developing many negative behavioural symptoms which inevitably places them at real risk of being asked to leave their school.

There are a number of interventions that could be used to encourage them to become the best they can be. From my experience in recent years, I have little doubt that the development of a youth mentoring program for such students would see so many positive life changes. Such a program should be for girls as well, as it's a well known fact that teenage girls tend to cover their concerns and issues better than boys of the same age.

In many cases, I also feel more effective parenting is required and a collaborative approach between student, parent and the school could work wonders.

One thing is for sure: there is no quick-fix solution ....

Doing my best as a parent

2010-07-06T23:18:00.000-07:00

I have been reading an excellent book by Dr Dave Ziegler, a psychologist and therapist who has done amazing work with severely traumatised children over many, many years. The book's title is: 'Achieving Success with Impossible Children'. Some extracts:

"The best measure of our progress as a parent is not to look to our accomplishments, but to look inward at who we have become ... As a child matures, it is your responsibility to provide opportunities for him or her to make better decisions ... if you have done your best to teach the child that there are consequences for our actions, and being responsible is a necessary personal quality, then what the child decides to do is his report card, not yours ....

"Yes, I believe we can take on the hardest challenge in parenting or working with a difficult child, and we can proceed with the confidence that we can learn, we can influence, and we can succeed ...

"So the way to work with a difficult child and have it a no-lose proposition is to do: your homework, never stop learning, use your mental skills, model being healthy, continue to reach out regardless of the response, take care of yourself, get the help you need, change most of your thinking about parenting, learn to enjoy the process, and don't give up! I didn't say it was easy, but I do believe it is possible."

One needs to read the book to fully understand what he is getting at, though I enjoyed the positive message of hope which he relays to all his readers.

Facing up to relationship issues

2010-06-11T04:35:00.001-07:00

In recent months I have observed a number of situations where teenagers have had relationship difficulties. Instead of learning how to deal with these issues in a positive way, there has been more avoidance than anything else. Teenagers have been given strategies to help them cope with the situation. These strategies will, no doubt, be useful for the life journey. They have not de-escalated the situation.

Parents then enter the situation and, understandably, battle to appreciate that their child might have contributed to the conflict. How long ago were they teenagers? Seems like they have forgotten that conflicts of varying degrees were part and parcel of teenage life.

We need to teach and coach our students how to resolve conflicts in a positive way. As soon as the conflict rears its ugly head, bring in a non-judgmental adult to mediate the meeting between the two conflicting teenagers. The odds of resolving the matter, if both teenagers are willing to seek a solution, are incredibly high.

When this does not happen and the situation escalates, I wonder how this contributes to feelings of anxiety, depression and so much more? Unwrap the bubblewrap kids with care!

30 Tips for the Adolescent Journey

2009-12-14T18:31:00.000-08:00

I have been spending time reflecting on the interactions I have been having with young people in recent months. Thoughts and ideas spring to mind. As adolescents journey to adulthood, here are 30 tips which will assist them to become the best they can be – come to think of it, they should probably be called 30 Tips for the Best Life, as they can probably be adapted to the lives of adults as well.

Attitude – never ever forget that you choose your attitude and how you respond to all that life throws at you. Live in hope and work hard at taking a positive, constructive attitude into everything you do and into all your meaningful relationships.

Ask – never stop asking questions no matter how trivial you might think they are. When others share their stories with you, you will gain knowledge which could significantly impact your life decisions.

Apologise – no-one is perfect. When you make a mistake, say the wrong thing, forget to do something you promised to do … whatever it might be, front up and be genuinely sorry.

Celebrate – celebrate the small and large victories; the times you achieve a relatively simple goal or achieve a long-term, major goal or when you successfully make it through a tough challenge. Never lose your sense of humour. Laugh often. Have fun.

Communicate – work consistently hard at developing and improving your communication skills. Become a brilliant listener, a motivator, encourager and inspiration to others. Develop a positive vocabulary, watch your body language and radiate care, compassion and unconditional love towards others. Show empathy, be genuine and respectful and people will value your contributions to their lives.

Conflict – conflict is part of life. Learn to how turn conflict into a positive learning and growth experience. Deal with it without violating another’s rights and don’t run away from it. Develop mediation skills. Become a healer where there is tension, pain, misunderstanding and suffering. Peacemakers are desperately needed!

Failure – don’t fear failure. Move out of your comfort zone if the challenge is not life-threatening. Life lessons are learnt when you give something a go. The key is to learn from the experience.

Finish well – whatever you do, give it your best shot until you finish, even if this is simply completing something only you know about. Whatever you start, even when you decide it’s not something you wish to pursue, finish well. Those who finish well find more windows of opportunities opening and they will soar on eagle’s wings.

Goal-getting – be a goal getter. Experiment with different methods of reaching your goal/s until you find the best method for you. Draw up a clear action plan and take small steps initially. Research suggests that those who set goals achieve much.

Humility – stay grounded so you do not allow your achievements to go to your head. Be proud of all you achieve, always remaining humble.

Integrity and Forgiveness – be a person of integrity, someone who keeps their word and who others can trust and depend on. Be respectful of yourself and others. Be quick to sincerely forgive those who wrong you, even when you battle to forget.

Learning – never ever stop learning and acquiring knowledge. Knowledge feeds the soul and helps you to become an effective change-agent in your local and wider community. Research, read widely, consult others and explore the works, ideas and opinions of others.

Listen – always listen to the opinions and ideas of others. Older people have more life experiences and their stories can assist your personal growth. They also were adolescents. Through listening, you have the opportunity to discern information you would like to use and store or discard.

Mirror Talk – love the person you see in the mirror each day. Remember you are unique and special and no-one else has your specific gifts and talents. It’s a fact – never forget that. Ignore those who tell you otherwise.

Money – avoid making money your God. It won’t and never can be. While it’s wonderful to have sufficient money to feed, clothe, house and educate ourselves, later to raise a family in a safe and secure environment, money will not buy you happiness, nor will owning the biggest and best TV, mobile phone, ipod etc. Seriously consider how you can contribute financially to end global poverty and, as you do so, it’s likely you will be making a positive contribution towards climate change issues as well.

Opportunities – engrave into your Being that every obstacle can be turned into an opportunity if you are prepared to think creatively, seek the guidance and wisdom of others and have the patience to work towards something, rather than expect a quick-fix solution or instant gratification.

Passion/s – identify your passion or passions. If you could do anything you wanted today and had all the qualifications you needed, what would you choose to do? That’s your passion – do something with it! Chase it!

Persevere – don’t quit! Go the extra mile even if you have to sweat a little, make some sacrifices (of social life) or commit yourself to something for a little longer. You will amaze yourself at what can be achieved when you do this.

Positive Peers – when you surround yourself with positive peers you will have a greater chance of becoming the best you can be. Positive peers know right from wrong – always choose your friends carefully and let trust develop over time.

Reflect – take time out each day to think about how you are doing, what you are doing, why you are doing it and what lessons can be learnt. Pray, meditate and be still for a few minutes each day.

Relationships – keep building your relationships and networks with peers, family, other adults (teachers, coaches etc.), employers and, most important, with God – that’s a challenge, but the soul needs to be nurtured. The world is slowly coming to appreciate that the story of the life, death and resurrection of Jesus is historically proven. Not sure? With an open mind, check out the details yourself. To be loved unconditionally is an amazing experience and it’s something every honest human being desires.

Self-discipline – build a disciplined lifestyle into all you do eg, 9 hours sleep a night (don’t make excuses about that!); a balanced lifestyle (at least 30 minutes of exercise every second day); manage your time well (time to work, time to study, time to eat, time to socialise and relax, time to exercise, time to follow an interest or hobby, time to sleep); say ‘no’ to drugs and alcohol abuse (so you don’t damage your brain during crucial developmental times), cigarettes and inappropriate sexual behaviour.

Service – give of yourself to others expecting nothing in return. Get involved in outreach programs. Through reaching out to others, you will discover many more positive qualities about yourself. Sometimes a friendly smile directed at a stranger or a peer can change their day. The world needs servant leaders – become one.

Share – share your ideals, passions and goals with at least one adult you trust and respect, in addition to your parent/s (optional). This is the person who can guide and encourage you non-judgmentally towards achieving your dreams. This experience teaches you how to be vulnerable with others in a safe and secure environment, a necessary life skill.

Stay focused – keep your eyes on your personal photograph at all times (see Visualisation below). That will get you through the tough and challenging times. There are no quick-fix, easy solutions. Success takes consistently hard work, careful planning and perseverance.

Take ownership – write down in the Present tense ie, as if you were achieving your goal/s today, how you are feeling eg, I feel …because …” Take ownership of your picture.

Teamwork – always seek to be a team player, a sure way to develop positive peer relationships, have role models in your life, be an encouragement to others, turn obstacles into opportunities and reach out to those in need.

Thanks – always express your genuine thanks to all who share their gold nuggets of wisdom and experience with you or offer you a helping hand.

Visualise – create an imaginary photo (or a real one!) of yourself achieving whatever it is you would like to achieve ie, as though you have already achieved it. Note your body language, your facial expression, your positive thoughts – never let go of it.

10 Habits of highly effective parents

2009-11-14T18:41:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking some more about the content of a Blog Page I wrote quite some time ago. That focused on seven qualities and tips to enjoy an effective and meaningful relationship with teenagers. Thinking some more about the past 36 years of working with teenagers, raising two of my own with my wife, I feel there are three more tips I should add to that list. While there might be a little repetition, the tips are pretty much guaranteed to succeed if we can follow them through and not beat ourselves up when we don't get it 100% right every day.

All these tips and ideas are built on the foundation stone of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. The key word there is unconditional, for, when our teenagers make the inevitable mistakes etc., when we can assure them of our unconditional love for them at all times, we will enjoy respectful and caring relationships with them.

1. PATIENCE – teenagers are journeying through adolescence to adulthood and they are likely to make mistakes, annoy us, have their typical moods, be surly, irritable and so much more. We need the patience to hang in there through these times, remembering that the storm will pass and the sun will rise again. Sometimes they will test us. We need to be firm and fair at all times, consistent in our dealings with them.

2. AFFIRMING – put another way, look to ‘catch them doing good’ and affirm them. As long as we are being sincere and genuine, that smile, pat on the back, quick hug or short phrase that let’s them know they have done well and we are proud of them, could be a life-changing moment.

3. ROLE-MODEL – we have to walk the talk to the best of our ability. Children always look to their parents before anyone else when they are making decisions about life, careers etc. When we actively live out the values and morals we want our teenagers to live by, there is a greater chance of effective parenting occurring.

4. EMPATHY – teenagers want us to show that we have some understanding of what they are experiencing. We would be liars if we said, “I know exactly what you are going through’, but not if we said, “I think I have some understanding of what they are going through. They need to be reassured by our stories of life as a teenager as well. Most young people will relate to stories.

5. NEGOTIATE – “Because I said so …” does not tend to wash with a teenager. While it might be time-consuming, teaching, by example, our teenagers how to negotiate, reach a compromise, not always have their own way, learn to think of others etc., we will be allowing them to self-empower themselves with some tremendous life skills. Negotiate all the boundaries and, as they get older, relax these. Negotiate times they are allowed out, duties to do in the home (ease up a little when they have exams, as this shows empathy, computer use, TV watching time etc.

6. TRUST – we have to show our teenagers that we trust them at all times. If that trust is ever betrayed, we then sit down with them and negotiate a way forward, not making it impossible for them to earn our trust again.

7. SACRIFICE – journeying with teenagers requires sacrifice of our time and energy, but it’s all worth it in the long run. It’s only a few years out of our lives, but it’s sowing future parenting seeds within our children, so we are creating a fine parenting legacy.

8. LISTEN! LISTEN! LISTEN! - teenagers want us to listen to them. Listening involves focusing on them when they are speaking, reading what they are not saying, watching their body language, trying to understand their feelings (often not being verbally expressed) and acknowledging them as they speak with a nod of the head, a smile, a hug or some other form of reassurance and understanding.

9. RESPECT - teenagers want us to respect them; their thoughts, their ideas, their feelings and their opinions. They are still working out their values, so it's inevitable that there will be a roller-coaster ride under way. They are looking to us as a stable partner for the journey from adolescence to adulthood and it is hugely important that we, therefore, respect ourselves. Each one of us needs to look in the mirror and ask ourselves: "Do I love the person I am looking at?" If the answer is "No," we need to find support to help us become the people who will answer, "Yes!"

10. CONSISTENCY - teenagers want adults in their lives who are consistent. They want consistent boundaries and they want to know that these will be enforced, even when they rant and rave because they are not getting their way. One day they will look back and thank us for being firm, fair and a consistent presence in their lives. How can our teenagers hope to reach their potential if our own behaviour is all over the place? We need to do some mirror gazing regularly, reminding ourselves that we are the parents and the adults in the young person's life.

10 habits we can develop to become effective and unconditionally loving PARENTS.

There are many more qualities we could add like enthusiasm, loyalty, responsibility etc. etc. etc., but what is important is that we build some key foundation stones so that we can be absolutely sure we know what the shape of love in our home looks and feels like.

As we talk to other parents and find out what works and doesn't work for them, we can add to our list and keep sharing thoughts with others.

Unwrapping the Bubblewrap kids

2009-11-14T17:56:00.000-08:00

I have decided that my new approach to youth mentoring, pastoral care of young people, coaching etc. will be to have the specific aim of 'unwrapping the Bubblewrap'.

Much of the global research in recent years, parenting programs and education information has referred to today's young people as the Bubblewrap generation. This simply means that they are almost being wrapped in cotton wool or Bubblewrap by overprotective parents and, therefore, they are not being allowed to grow up as normal kids who make mistakes, fall out of trees, fall off their skateboards, step out of line at school, know that it's okay to fail while moving out of their comfort zones and learn how to respect their teachers and other people in authority without mum or dad threatening to sue the school and so on.

A lot of the situations I have witnessed in recent years concerning recalcitrant children can be directly linked to family life that is not functioning too well. A case in point is a student who was misbehaving. The parents sat with the Principal and they talked about what was going on. Dad berated mum and blamed her for being too soft and it was an embarrassment being a part of that meeting. Those are the days when I want to pull a mirror out of my pocket and hold it up before the parents and say,"Take a look in the mirror and tell me what you see. You spend all your time blaming the school for not educating your child, yet the school is doing remarkably well when we hear how the two of you communicate with each other. If that's how you speak in front of your children, what chance have they got? What sort of role models are you? What sort of parenting skills do you need upskilling on? Maybe the best thing that's happening in your child's life is that he or she is coming to school. Now I understand what your child means when he or she tells me that school represents a time to be with their friends. It is a place of safety and security." Of course, if I said that, I would likely be sued!!

A student who is in trouble for breaking a rule or has not received an award of some sort which he or she feels they should have received, does not come forward and discuss it with a teacher or someone in senior management. No, they talk to mum and dad and one of them basically passes the message on to the child, "leave this with me. I will sort it out." Then the phone rings or an email is received from an irate parent threatening the school with this or that .... No wonder the child is battling!

I have seen instances where really good kids have perhaps not achieved what they would like to have achieved. A temporary lapse which can easily be sorted. Instead, an irate parent gets involved, the child gives up, becomes moody and surly and the Bubblewrap is tightened around him or her.

It's time to break this cycle and educate a new generation of young people who can have fun, which is not life threatening, who learn how to communicate effectively, who have respect for themselves and others and who begin to understand the importance of developing meaningful relationships with other adults, teachers and coaches so that one day they will be able to become pillars of society able to hand over the baton of responsible citizenship to the generation that follows them.

Now I need to create some strategies :-)

The Positive Benefit of a Significant Other

2009-10-23T17:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I received an email from a mentor of a young student in a GR8 MATES mentoring program I was involved with. Gail (not her real name) had been Garth's (not his real name) mentor for six months about 18 months ago. This was during a low period of Garth's life, a time when he was suspended from school and there were many stories floating around about his antisocial behaviour. He missed an occasional mentoring session and, it would be true to say, he was even a reluctant participant initially.

However, Gail showed the unconditional, non-judgmental love required of an effective mentor. As the Program Coordinator, I stayed in the background, yet was able to support Gail when she felt she was hitting her head against a brick wall. I could see small changes occurring in Garth, from his attitude, to his body language, to the fact that he was almost the first student arriving each week to the mentoring program.

Gail helped Garth to see through windows of opportunity which he simply had blinded himself to. She stuck by him, was always firm and fair, sent him emails of encouragement even if he did not always respond and allowed him to move at his own pace.

At the final function of the formal part of the mentoring program, Garth surprised everyone with the testament he presented on the impact that Gail had had on his life.

Yesterday's email from Gail was to tell me that Garth had been elected to a top leadership position in his school for 2010 and that he was talking seriously of becoming a primary school teacher, specifically focusing on children with disabilities.

While Garth has a long way to go on that journey, yet another story of what is posssible in situations where many adults and teachers fail to see the potential in a young person or they just become understandably exhausted from trying to encourage a young person to be the best they can become :-)

Age does not matter - the needs are the same

2009-09-23T16:08:00.000-07:00

I have been working on the development of a Pastoral Care Program for the school I work in during the past few weeks and this has entailed reading articles, books and consulting other resources.

I have shared in other blogs that all young people, without exception, need to be loved (cared for), feel valued and live lives that have meaning and purpose and I believe these thoughts remain 100% true. When I was a teenager many years ago, I, too, had those needs as I journeyed through my confusing adolescent years on the way to adulthood.

Working towards goals definitely motivated and inspired me to keep on keeping on when I might have wanted to quit. Yet today I hear people trashing goal setting - perhaps these are the people who have never set goals themselves? Goals do not have to dominate our lives, but they give us a purpose for getting up each day. If we have at least one person to share those goals with, the accountability factor kicks in and progress is under way - better still if that person is non-judgmental and cares about us unconditionally (what a gift!). Working towards the achievement of a goal definitely gives my life meaning and purpose, even today.

I have also been reading quite a bit about developing resilient young people. My school's Pastoral Care Program has this as a major aim. Not surprisingly, so much of this research points to the importance of achieving goals.

Young people, most of whom are locked into their mobile phones, are inadvertently screaming out to their parents, teachers and other adults that they want to be 'connected' - read: build positive and meaningful relationships. That's right, positive and meaningful relationships which includes relationships with other adults, including Mum and Dad :-)

The challenge? Reading other parenting blogs, where frustrated parents are writing about how to deal with their monster children, I sometimes wonder whether some of those scribes should take a look in the mirror and ask three very simple questions:

Am I being an effective role model to my child?
What positive values am I role modelling to my child?
Am I listening to my child, especially when he or she is saying nothing?

As a parent, I know it all starts with me. If my life is too hard, too challenging etc., I need to seek help, advice, direction from wiser, more level-headed, wonderful role models and then, tough though it might be, I have to ensure that I feel loved and valued by at least one other person and my life will then start having more meaning and purpose. I am fortunate in that I have built a network of wonderfully supportive people around me, people I know I can trust with my life and who believe in me.

I am also privileged, in that I have Jesus as my role model - some squirm at the thought, at the very statement. As with everything in life, that's their choice.

Teenager killed in school playground

2009-09-05T22:58:00.000-07:00

Much sadness and criticisms of a school etc., as a teenager was tragically kicked (?) to death by some thugs in the playground at an Australian school while he was alleged to be stepping in to stop a fight. Full details are not known, so it's important not to jump to conclusions. Of course, the media have been on to this and showed students from the school marching into town or somewhere nearby - the attitude of the kids to the media; body language, crude signs etc. tells another story. Do many of these young people actually respect themselves or is the peer pressure the dominant force? Confused young lives and so full of contradictory behaviour.

I work in a school and am aware of the difficulties of monitoring behaviour in a playground, especially if the school is large. Then, of course, there is all the cyber bullying that goes on - who can control that? The secret, dark world of the teenager - very worrying.

We are living in interesting times. Parents want schools to discipline their kids, yet there are so many child protection laws, bubble-wrapping kids, parents attacking schools on behalf of their 'definitely-not-perfect' children and we wonder why we are experiencing so much violence, bullying, antisocial behaviour etc.; why so many kids are drifting, directionless, more confused than they should be .....

I read of a school in another country banning the 2010 School Ball because the Head and staff had felt betrayed by students - all about an after-party, too much alcohol etc. So, the parents jump to protect the children ..... and then we wonder why we have so many issues to deal with.
Students want instant gratification; too many parents seem scared to discipline their kids; other parents willingly give their kids alcohol and wonder why binge drinking seems to be a more problematic issue as the days go by; a lack of respect for authority figures (who are also not perfect), by both students and parents.

The day we return to a situation where parents are role models to their children, role-modelling sound, traditional values that have stood the test of time and work with the schools to deal with so many challenging issues - then we will see some light at the end of the tunnel.

Whoever said teaching was easy and great fun? In 2010 it is a massive challenge and it's easy to see why so many teachers simply give up ... lots of food for thought.

Yes, let's not forget to grieve with the family who lost a teenage son in Australia at such a young age. A totally senseless death, yet symbolic of the challenging society in which we live.

12. Writing a winning Resume or CV

2009-02-22T14:52:00.000-08:00

I have had fun over the years with my children when it came to observing them applying for jobs. Now that they are a little older, they see that their dad has some wisdom and experience in this field (yes, there is hope!!) and they ask me to comment on their Resume before applying for a job.

The most common mistake made by so many young people is not selling themselves effectively eg, a youngster could not understand why it was important to mention that he had been a member of a Football Club for 5 years. When I pointed out to him that this showed loyalty, commitment and teamwork, just as examples, skills which all employers are looking for, his eyes lit up and suddenly there was a whole lot more information he could write down.

The other area many youngsters fail to detail is around the jobs they have undertaken while doing casual or part-time work. It's important to list as many skills and experiences they have had eg, client services, answering the phone, cash register, counting stock etc. etc.

What is also important is to have some referees who have "titles" eg, Supervisor, Director, Owner, CEO etc. etc.

It's small points like that which can result in a Resume being looked at again and again and the request for an interview coming along. Our children need our assistance when it comes to finding the right jobs, preparing those Resumes and even preparing for an interview, knowing how to dress etc. Maybe I can share some more about the latter in a future blog.

11. Parent Job Description - True or False :-)

2009-01-28T19:01:00.000-08:00

A friend passed this on to me. I have no idea who the author is and will happily acknowledge him/her if known. Many a true word spoken in jest! How important it is for us parents to keep a sense of humour.

Position Title:

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

Job Description:

Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

Responsibilities:
The rest of your life.

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

Possibility for Advancement and Promotion:

None.

Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

Previous Experience:

None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

Wages and Compensation:

Get this! You pay them!

Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

Benefits: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play yourcards right.

AND A FOOTNOTE: 'THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!

10. The pain of separation

2009-01-18T20:46:00.000-08:00

Last night my wife and I were talking to a very good friend who is in the process of separating from his wife, though, of course, we hope that difficulties can be resolved.

There are two teenage children involved and he was concerned as to how they were responding to what was going on around them. Outwardly they seemed to be doing well at school and, generally, doing okay.

That reminded me of a time a few years ago when I was running a boarding house and a teenager's parents got divorced. The boy's dad wrote to me to say that Jim (not his real name) was fine, understood everything and would be okay.

Dad, of course, had not seen Jim at school. He did not see how this youngster, who had been giving his first year of high school his best shot, achieving in all sorts of areas, had totally withdrawn into himself and was definitely not achieving his potential. I wrote to dad to tell him this, as I don't think he had any idea about the mixed emotions a vulnerable teenager will experience when parents separate, divorce etc.

Jim was fortunate in that he got through this painful experience with the encouragement and support of his teachers, sports coaches etc. and ended up achieving a great deal at school and, I would guess, in later life as well. How fortunate he was to have empathetic adults supporting him, watching him, encouraging and affirming him, as well as guiding him during those very difficult months.

We often forget that these teenagers are moody, say things they don't mean, sometimes express their anger with the wrong antisocial behaviour, are often confused and are so desperate for adult friendship, encouragement and support, sometimes just wanting someone older and wiser to listen as they process their experiences, not offering any advice at all.

Then, again, Jim's mum also needed plenty of reassurance and support in different ways, while his dad was like so many of us men (!), never expressing any emotions or feelings, probably thinking it would be a sign of weakness if he did so.

9. Social networking on Facebook etc.

2009-01-03T00:27:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year everyone :-)

I don't know about you, but every time I switch the TV on to watch international news, I watch stories about wars here, there and everywhere. If not war, it's a murder here or someone assaulted there or teen binge drinking that is getting out of control or some multimillion dollar drug bust ..... midst all these stories there are inevitably innocent children suffering.

One of the things I have been noticing on Facebook are the comments from people I know trying to impress, trying to shock - we have the tremendous influence of peer pressure and now it seems social networking pressure is just as bad.

What a sad reflection on us as parents, even on educators. What worries me is that my kids will read comments from someone trying to provoke or be smart and maybe, just maybe, a comment will be directed at one of them and they might take it too personally?
Will they talk about it? Will they share their feelings with us or will they simply fasten on to the comments and be negatively affected for a period of time?

Being in their early 20s and no longer living at home, my kids have to learn how to deal with this stuff. As parents it is just another development of the technological age we have to think about, especially those of us who are parents of teens journeying through the confusing and impressionable years.

One young guy I know posted his thoughts about his relationship with his girlfriend on Facebook. I sent him a private message suggesting that that was not the way to grow and develop a meaningful relationship. He was good enough to acknowledge that he had erred and I hope removed the original message.

In addition to that will be all the text messaging that is going on ... that's yet another story, isn't it? The dangers of bullying, negative text peer pressure ....

I guess it continues to underline for me the importance of teaching teenagers social skills, effective communication skills and so much more.

Let's hope 2009 has many more positives than negatives - time to look at the half-full glass again.

8. The danger of labelling our children

2008-12-14T16:31:00.000-08:00

One of the major challenges facing parents is not to ‘label’ our kids. I have heard so many parents over the years labelling their children as ‘idiots’, ‘wasters’, ‘losers’, ‘lazy good-for-nothings’ and a whole lot more.

Then, in addition to that, they compare their non-achieving sibling with an achieving sibling in front of the other. It’s a recipe for disaster, rebellion and so much more.

Often it's when we are so frustrated, angry or stressed out that these words are fired from our mouths and then we spend months, if not years, wondering what has happened to our child or children. Tougher still when they are vulnerable teenagers, sensitive, self-conscious and very confused.

I remember telling my daughter, when she was about 12, as she was completing a school project, that she was wonderfully creative. She has reminded me of that conversation ever since and she is now in her 20s. A positive and encouraging comment was grabbed, processed and encouraged her to try all sorts of different things over the years eg, making photo frames for friends, designing birthday, Christmas and other cards and so much more.

We even forbade our children labelling each other with words like those mentioned above, even when partially joking. We wanted them to focus on each other’s strengths.

Food for thought :-)

7. Follow Your Passion

2008-11-22T22:44:00.001-08:00

Reading lots of blogs and message boards in recent weeks, it’s amazing how tough some parents have life, how often the teenagers are all over the place, mum and dad no longer together, anti-authority behavior …..

Every situation will have a story attached, which is one of the minor frustrations about having message boards and blog pages – we just never really grasp the full story and, of course, we are always being presented with only one viewpoint.

Although our children are through the teenage years, thankfully (!), we always encouraged them to think of something they would really like to do today if they had all the qualifications.

Not only does this encourage them to think about a future career, but it also helps them to focus on what they might need to do to get there. So many teenagers throw their education away with no thought whatsoever for the long-term future. Their friends or mates are leaving school, so they are going to follow.

I have seen, in mentoring programs I have been involved with, how teenagers have a life-changing experience when they have explored a variety of career paths with their non-judgmental volunteer adult mentors and in many cases they have seen how important it is to complete their schooling, rather than drop out at the first available opportunity.

Many others have come to see that it is worth their while giving school their best shot, as wise employers ask to see their latest school report eg, if they are away from school for many days during a semester and have not been ill etc., the odds are strong that they will repeat this when they enter the workforce.

This lesson has been learnt often as a result of talking to someone in a career that interests them, someone that the mentor or a family friend knows.

When a student begins to start thinking seriously about career options, this can often be a turning-point in their journey towards adolescence. A parent can ruin the journey, though, when they laugh at their child’s career ideas – better to encourage them to go after those ideas, research the career with them, show an interest, let them know that you believe in them …. lots can happen and, as parents, we can be pleasantly surprised.

No quick-fix solutions, but it’s worth exploring as many strategies as we can during these confusing teenage years.

6. A Parenting Lesson From a Teenage Skateboarder

2008-11-10T02:38:00.000-08:00

I remember well the afternoon my son returned home from skateboarding with his mates up the road. This was a daily activity. He would arrive home after school, drop his school bag in the vicinity of his bedroom and head off up the road to skateboard with his mates. I think he was about 14 at the time.

“Dad, check out my latest trick,” he shouted proudly.

I was self-employed at the time, working from home. Indeed, my wife and I had agreed that one of us would always be at home when the kids arrived back from school and, as things turned out, she took on that role while they were in primary school, working half-days, whilst I took on the role during their high school years.

I went outside and he was attempting this latest trick, as they call a new move they learn in the world of skateboarding. He couldn’t get it right, so I headed off, deliberately annoying him.

“Call me when you can get it right. I’ve got work to do.”

“Wait, dad, wait.”

I paused and his moment of triumph arrived and he completed the trick successfully. He was beaming from ear to ear as I decided to ‘seize the moment’.

Our conversation went something like this:

“So,” I said, “you often fall off?”
One only had to look at his bruised shins and legs.
“Do you get back on?” I asked, knowing the answer.
“Yes.”
I looked startled. “Why?”
“To master the trick,” came the quick reply.
“Okay, so now you have mastered the trick, you stop?”
“Of course not. Now I try a harder trick.”
“So, you practice heaps, you fall off, get on and try again until you master the trick – is that it?”
He nodded.
“Well, that’s what goal setting is all about. You know how you always fight me when I try talking about goals? Well, think of it like you do your skateboarding. You have a long-term goal, which is the trick on the skateboard. You take a whole lot of small action steps to achieve that goal. Sometimes you will succeed, at other times you might veer off the path (fall off the skateboard) and have to get up and start again. Each small step will be taking you closer and closer to your ultimate goal. And, when you finally achieve your goal, you set another one, a little harder, stretching you a little more, taking you out of your comfort zone.”

In a few minutes I was able to seize an opportunity to share something I had been battling to get him to understand for ages. Now, through his skateboarding experience, he would have a considerably better understanding of what I was talking about.

5. Stepping-stones for Step-mums and dads

2008-11-02T15:15:00.000-08:00

My mother died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was nine and dealing with cancer and my dad remarried a couple of years later. I was the youngest of three. My brother was a couple of years older than me, my sister a couple of years older than him. My dad did ask us whether we were happy with the decision before he took the plunge and we gave him the go-ahead, even though there was hesitation from my brother and sister.

My step-mother, who had been divorced for a number of years, had a daughter of her own, a couple of years younger than me, from her first marriage.

Our home life was stable and we felt secure at all times, though there were lots of challenges. Of course, my battle with cancer, did not help and obviously I received plenty more attention than my siblings, which created other issues, I am sure. My sister, especially, battled, as she had been the one organising things on the domestic front after my mother died and now she had to hand over that role to my step-mother. My brother always felt that my dad did not pay him enough time and affection, though my dad, like so many who had seen the grim realities of World War, battled to openly express affection, but expressed it in lots of other ways eg, letters, wording on a birthday card, watching sports etc.

All three of us battled with the extra attention showered on my step-sister. Her father spoilt her and my step-mother spoilt her in different ways, so we were probably jealous of the attention and that caused a few ripples in the home.

Looking back over those years, it’s difficult to know what could have been done differently, as we all have our strengths and weaknesses, some parents try harder than others and so on.

However, as far as teenagers are concerned, it’s important for the step-parent to keep reminding themselves that they are ‘not’ and never will be the birth parent and it’s not a good idea to try and take on that role. As a teacher and School Principal, I encouraged step-parents simply to set out and become a great friend of their step-children. This creates a different relationship dynamic which is more realistic, probably healthier and will last into the future.

When entering the relationship, step-parents need to face the reality of the relationship they are choosing to enter. I have heard so many step-parents saying that they chose to marry the husband or wife, not to parent the children as well. Such people have gone into a relationship totally blind and it will come as no surprise if they experience difficulties.

Surely, our children are precious and we have to make sacrifices as we encourage them to reach their potential. Such sacrifices require us to take on the role of taxi, spending family time and holidays with them, having the discussions about who will watch which program on TV and when, who might use the computer and when, who will clean which rooms and when, who will wash the dishes and when, who will mow the lawn and when, who will do what and when – get the message!

When our step-children are teenagers, we need to negotiate with them, not order, demand etc. etc., especially when we are the new arrival to the home. So, going in like a new broom and trying to sweep clean, could well be a strategy leading to disaster. However, entering the family and showing empathy, trying to get your head around the family dynamics that are already there (or not there, but should be there!), takes time. It’s worth doing, as those teenagers will be more accepting and respectful towards you.

If you want to jealously guard your new husband/wife, expect there to be difficulties, especially when there are children around. Despite all their mood swings etc., these teenagers still want to spend time with mum or dad. It gives them a sense of safety and security and they always look to their birth parent/s as role models, which is why it’s so important for such parents to BE role models.

It’s also natural for a teenager to talk to his or her birth parent, so don’t be surprised if you are left out of the conversation. I remember doing this often with my dad. I would wait for my step-mother to go out and then approach him. At other times it was fine to hear her opinion and allow her to be a part of a more sensitive, perhaps personal conversation. I know there were time she felt she was being shut out and, instead of working at being a friend, she took things personally and probably reacted inappropriately.

Another point that is hugely important to remember is that teenagers are going through all the confusions linked to puberty. A great parent and step-parent will try to get their head around this fact, do some reading and research, attend a parenting seminar for example – do anything that will help you better understand these teenagers and that will reassure them that their high and low days are part of journeying through adolescence to adulthood.

And how much more challenging is it for those teenagers if there is a mental illness or an addiction within the family – that’s another area of blogs!!

A final point is just to work hard if the new partnership results in more children. I remember my dad asking us if we would want a younger brother or sister and we said, ‘no thanks’, although the decision was really not ours to make, but I have always respected him for asking us an opinion. My point? It’s easy for the parents to pour all the love and affection into the children born from this new partnership and, without realising it, ignoring (sometimes not intentionally) the needs of growing teenagers. The challenge remains to ensure that all members of the family feel loved, secure, safe and treated fairly and as equals at all times.

I could write a whole lot more, but these are some thoughts from my own experiences. The good thing is that we are all good friends today, though my dad died some years ago. I am godfather to my step-sister’s son, my mother now almost 81 lives with my step-sister and her family, yet we all communicate, remember each others’ birthdays etc. etc.

4. Teenager rebels against authority - Pete's story

2008-10-25T23:45:00.000-07:00

Pete’s (not his real name) mother was desperate. She had had enough of his antisocial behaviour and wanted him out of the house. While he did some of his duties at home, he was simply becoming a lazy layabout, often abusing alcohol, probably messing with drugs and treating her with contempt.

I had only met Pete a couple of times. He was always dressed in black, wearing a heavy black overcoat, which must have been awful during the hot summer months, but he was clearly cultivating this Gothic image. He was always polite and friendly, though did not say much, preferring to sit quietly smoking. He would have been 18 or 19 by then and had spent a couple of years bumming around, heavily into drugs, alcohol and whatever he and some mates could get up to. He had moved out of house a couple of years earlier as well, had been thrown out of school because he was disruptive, disrespectful of authority figures and always being caught smoking. I often wondered if the latter was not really a cry for attention which the school missed – maybe there were too many Petes at the school?

His world had fallen apart and one night he knocked on the door, unkempt and in a shocking state, and asked his mum if he could come home. Mum, a single parent with a daughter much younger than Pete, reluctantly agreed. She herself had had a tough life, made some unwise choices, but had, in recent years, turned her life around completely. Mum was an incredibly bright person who did not suffer fools gladly. So, she gave Pete yet another chance and he was messing it up.

Somehow I entered the picture. I can’t recall whether she asked me to have a chat to him or whether I volunteered to do so. No matter, this is what happened.

I arrived at Pete’s home and he was waiting for me. I asked him what he would like to do and was greeted by a surly, “I don’t know. Mum said you were going to come around,” or words to that affect.

So, I took him out for a coffee at a nearby garden café. We sat out in the garden and chatted about this and that. I should have mentioned earlier that he was studying school by correspondence and was really not being tested much. He clearly was a bright lad.

We got talking about his best and his worst subjects etc and I gradually steered the conversation to what he would like to do if he had all the necessary qualifications. He said he would like to be an engineer of sorts because he was fascinated by guns and the more he talked, the more I realised he had done a lot of internet research about weapons.

Hearing this, I briefly called a halt to the proceedings and dashed to my car to get some paper which I had brought along just in case J Back I went and we spent the next hour or so planning his future ie, if he wanted to become an engineer, what would he have to do? We traced a number of career paths, the most important being that perhaps the Army could become an option. He had no money and his mum would not be able to afford tertiary fees etc., so if he went into the army he could gain a variety of qualifications, receive free accommodation and board etc. etc. We talked about short-term goals and long-term goals, small action steps and so on. My message to Pete throughout all this was quite simple: “If you want all this, you are smart enough to achieve it.”

As we climbed back into the car for the return home, Pete looked at me and thanked me for giving him the time. “I have never done anything like this in my life,” he said referring to the goal getting approach we had talked about.

That began a journey of about 6 to 8 weeks, during which time I met with Pete once a week and we continued to talk and to plan his future. He had never read books and, one day when I collected him, he informed me that he had been reading The Davinci Code and was loving it. That took us on a lengthy discussion about religion and Christianity and we genuinely explored a number of issues. I also had to read the book so that we had something to talk about. Pete was changing.

Pete also decided that he was going to apply for the Army. He obtained the forms, completed them and set about the application process, which required a few training exercises led by army folk to see if he would be suitable. This chain-smoker and heavy drinker trying to get fit was a laugh in itself, but he gave it his best shot.

When we met, Pete shared more of his personal story. His dad lived in another country and he hadn’t seen him for years. He rebelled against authority figures and basically was a law unto himself. He openly admitted getting involved with the wrong crowds and was more of a follower than a leader. We chatted about that attitude and I quietly painted pictures showing him how destructive and negative antisocial behavior was.

The day before Pete was to attend his final army training qualification exercise I happened to be meeting up with him. He was angry, irritable, said he wasn’t going into the army any longer, as he hated authority figures and ranted and raved in his own way. I sat listening for a while and then suddenly stood up and said that I was dropping him at home. I think he was a little surprised, but I said he clearly was not having a good day, he was making his own life choices, so if he didn’t want to go into the army that was his choice, not mine and he would live with the choices he made, because that’s the reality of life.

He started apologising, but I told him there was no need, as it’s okay to have not-so-good days from time to time. However, if he wanted to link up with me again in the future, he knew where to find me.

Next day I was driving down to the coast and received a call on my mobile. It was Pete.
“Hey! I decided to have a go at the army and so attended the training today. I’m waiting to hear how I did?’
A few minutes later the phone rang again.
“Hey, I’ve been accepted into the army.” Pete was delighted. He had achieved a goal.

We met up once more before he headed for the army and I used the time to review the few months we had been chatting. I pointed out to him how he had made some important choices and how positive they had been. When we had first met, he was ready to quit his studies, but after that first day of meeting and doing some career planning, he had picked up his academic efforts and ultimately passed very well. He had achieved his goal of making the army.

Just before I dropped him at home that day, he asked me if I knew that he was taking drugs when we had first met.
“I suspected as much,” I nodded.
“Well, I just want you to know that I have not touched a drug since that day we first met.”

A few weeks later I went to see him off. This normally tough looking Gothic creature was a nervous, scared wreck and admitted as such as he boarded the bus for the army camp.

Well, Pete got to within one week of completing his basic training and decided to bail out. He said he realised he did not want to have a career in such an authoritarian place.

Was that the truth? Was Pete suddenly seeing himself succeeding at something, gaining a qualification of some sort and scared about the next phase, as he had never done consistently well? Will we ever know the truth behind that decision?

Pete did not become a layabout, although his mother did tell him he would have to find alternative accommodation. This was an agreement they had made together before Pete went into the army. Tough though it was to enforce, she did so and Pete drifted for a few months until deciding to train as a Bar Manager through a local tertiary institution. Thus, he could find work and study at the same time to gain the necessary Certification.

I received an email from him last Christmas, telling me that he had obtained his Certificate and thanking me for being an encouragement to him, despite his ups and downs.

Today Pete is engaged and getting married soon. He has his own flat which he is renting and is managing a bar. He seems content, though I suspect that he will climb the career ladder, as he is smart and has a very good brain. I haven’t met his fiancée, as I live in another country now, but I hope that she encourages him to reach his potential.

Earlier in the week I received a message from Pete on Facebook, which began, “Hello, my friend from ….”

I am grateful for the time I spent with Pete. He taught me plenty and underlined the importance of never judging a book by its cover and a whole lot more. I think, too, it reinforced the point that these vulnerable young people need significant adults in their lives, but it was Pete’s choice to meet with me and to begin the journey of sharing.

It’s possibly time I sent him a challenge on Facebook – time to go.

3. Don't teenagers have any responsibilities?

2008-10-18T22:29:00.000-07:00

Perhaps there are parents wondering whether they have a right to expect anything from their teenagers, especially in view of what I wrote in my last Blog?

Well, the purpose of sharing those thoughts was to specifically focus on how we, as parents, can be more effective.

I have found over the years that many parents blame the school for their child’s poor behaviour, while teachers blame the parents. And, of course, while home is expected to be where the standards are set, reality is that this is not always the case, which means that the school should insist on certain standards being set, agree on them and impose them – easier said than done, for sure.

It achieves little to play the ‘blaming’ game, though I suspect those in teaching sometimes need to be reminded that some of the students sitting in front of them are so lacking role models in their lives, that school is where they feel safe and secure.

I think it’s a good thing to negotiate boundaries with teenage students we teach. I certainly used to do it, not in a draconian way, but putting across the view that my role was to encourage each and every one of them to do their best in my subject. But to do that, they had to take some responsibility, be accountable and also respectful.

There are the three key words:

Teenagers need to take responsibility for their actions. They need to appreciate that they are of an age, no matter what their personal circumstances, when they are going to make choices. There is no use blaming their home life, their friends, their teachers etc. if they make a poor choice. Learning to stand on their own two feet, make wise choices and show a sense of responsibility will bear good fruit.

Teenagers need to be accountable for their actions. I don’t know how many times I had a recalcitrant student in my office during my Principal days who would say that she or he had not thought of the consequences of their poor choices. Some learnt the hard way, which would have included lengthy suspensions, possibly even an expulsion. Better to learn at a young age in the safety and security of school, than in the harsh, real world, where the consequences could be considerably worse.

I should add that we had a Code of Conduct in the school, which was discussed at the beginning of the year between teachers and students. Students tended to be a lot harder on themselves than the teachers were with regard for a suitable punishment to fit a crime. The Code of Conduct was discussed by members of the Parent, Teacher, Student Association and then it was finalised and circulated to all parents.

There are different views about suspension. Mine was always that if the punishment fitted the crime, it was okay to suspend a student from school. The parents were called in and the matter discussed with them. Ultimately it was the responsibility of the parents to ensure that their son or daughter was learning from the punishment meted out. The student needed to learn that he or she was attending school, a community, and there were certain rules and regulations in place to make this a safe and secure community for all.

Teenagers always want others to respect them, though often fail to show the same respect to these people. This is something we need to discuss with our children, our students etc. No-one has the right to violate another’s basic rights, something young people can do all too easily, often without thinking.

From an early age we taught our children that they had duties to perform at home, from making their beds each day before they went to school, having to eat breakfast before leaving for school, washing up their breakfast dishes etc., hovering and cleaning their bedrooms at least once a week and sharing the duties washing up after a meal. These are some of the examples and there were consequences if they were not carried out.

Withdrawal of privileges was the most effective punishment I ever meted out as a parent, but, perhaps, that’s another Blog.....

2. 7 Habits for highly effective parents of teenagers

2008-10-10T23:16:00.000-07:00

Our two children are now in their 20s. I have spent the past 35 years working with teenagers as a teacher, sports coach, School Principal and mentor and I am still learning!!

Thinking back over these years, what follows are seven guaranteed-to-have-some-success qualities and tips to enjoy an effective and meaningful relationship with teenagers.

All these tips and ideas are built on the foundation stone of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. The key word there is unconditional, for, when our teenagers make the inevitable mistakes etc., when we can assure them of our unconditional love for them at all times, we will enjoy respectful and caring relationships with them.

PATIENCE – teenagers are journeying through adolescence to adulthood and they are likely to make mistakes, annoy us, have their typical moods, be surly, irritable and so much more. We need the patience to hang in there through these times, remembering that the storm will pass and the sun will rise again. Sometimes they will test us. We need to be firm and fair at all times, consistent in our dealings with them.

AFFIRMING – put another way, look to ‘catch them doing good’ and affirm them. As long as we are being sincere and genuine, that smile, pat on the back, quick hug, text message or short phrase that let’s them know they have done well and we are proud of them, could be a life-changing moment.

ROLE-MODEL – we have to walk the talk to the best of our ability. Children always look to their parents before anyone else when they are making decisions about life, careers etc. When we actively live out the values and morals we want our teenagers to live by, there is a greater chance of effective parenting occurring.

EMPATHY – teenagers want us to show that we have some understanding of what they are experiencing. We would be liars if we said, “I know exactly what you are going through", but not if we said, “I think I have some understanding of what you are going through." They need to be reassured by our stories of life as a teenager as well. Most young people will relate to stories.

NEGOTIATE – “Because I said so …” does not tend to wash with a teenager. While it might be time-consuming, teaching and coaching, by example, our teenagers how to negotiate, reach a compromise, not always have their own way, learn to think of others etc., we will be allowing them to become self-empowered with many tremendous life skills. Negotiate all the boundaries and, as they get older, relax these. Negotiate times they are allowed out, duties to do in the home (ease up a little when they have exams, as this shows empathy), computer use, TV watching time etc.

TRUST – we have to show our teenagers that we trust them at all times. If that trust is ever betrayed, we then sit down with them and negotiate a way forward, not making it impossible for them to earn our trust again.

SACRIFICE – journeying with teenagers requires sacrifice of our time and energy, but it’s all worth it in the long run. It’s only a few years out of our lives, but it’s sowing future parenting seeds within our children, so we are creating a fine parenting legacy.

7 habits we can develop to become effective and unconditionally loving PARENTS.

There are many more qualities we could add like, enthusiasm, loyalty, responsibility, consistency etc. etc. etc., but what is important is that we build some key foundation stones so that we can be absolutely sure we know what the shape of love in our home looks and feels like.

1. Welcome message

2008-10-10T23:06:00.000-07:00

Greetings!!

This blog is the result of so many questions, discussions and resources that have crossed my path over the years. As you will see on my profile, I am passionate about encouraging teenagers to reach their potential and genuinely believe that each and every one has the ability to offer something positive and constructive to the world, using their God-given talents.

I don't claim to be any sort of expert, as my children would no doubt be quick to point out :-)

One thing I know for sure is that we need to roll back the years, learn from those who have trod the earthly paths before us and hold onto one point that seems to crop up time and time again: a successful country is built on the foundations of strong family units.

May these blogs promote the importance of the family, because the average child wants to live in a loving and caring family with a mum and dad who love and care for one another and role-model sound morals and values within that family.