My mother died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was nine and dealing with cancer and my dad remarried a couple of years later. I was the youngest of three. My brother was a couple of years older than me, my sister a couple of years older than him. My dad did ask us whether we were happy with the decision before he took the plunge and we gave him the go-ahead, even though there was hesitation from my brother and sister.
My step-mother, who had been divorced for a number of years, had a daughter of her own, a couple of years younger than me, from her first marriage.
Our home life was stable and we felt secure at all times, though there were lots of challenges. Of course, my battle with cancer, did not help and obviously I received plenty more attention than my siblings, which created other issues, I am sure. My sister, especially, battled, as she had been the one organising things on the domestic front after my mother died and now she had to hand over that role to my step-mother. My brother always felt that my dad did not pay him enough time and affection, though my dad, like so many who had seen the grim realities of World War, battled to openly express affection, but expressed it in lots of other ways eg, letters, wording on a birthday card, watching sports etc.
All three of us battled with the extra attention showered on my step-sister. Her father spoilt her and my step-mother spoilt her in different ways, so we were probably jealous of the attention and that caused a few ripples in the home.
Looking back over those years, it’s difficult to know what could have been done differently, as we all have our strengths and weaknesses, some parents try harder than others and so on.
However, as far as teenagers are concerned, it’s important for the step-parent to keep reminding themselves that they are ‘not’ and never will be the birth parent and it’s not a good idea to try and take on that role. As a teacher and School Principal, I encouraged step-parents simply to set out and become a great friend of their step-children. This creates a different relationship dynamic which is more realistic, probably healthier and will last into the future.
When entering the relationship, step-parents need to face the reality of the relationship they are choosing to enter. I have heard so many step-parents saying that they chose to marry the husband or wife, not to parent the children as well. Such people have gone into a relationship totally blind and it will come as no surprise if they experience difficulties.
Surely, our children are precious and we have to make sacrifices as we encourage them to reach their potential. Such sacrifices require us to take on the role of taxi, spending family time and holidays with them, having the discussions about who will watch which program on TV and when, who might use the computer and when, who will clean which rooms and when, who will wash the dishes and when, who will mow the lawn and when, who will do what and when – get the message!
When our step-children are teenagers, we need to negotiate with them, not order, demand etc. etc., especially when we are the new arrival to the home. So, going in like a new broom and trying to sweep clean, could well be a strategy leading to disaster. However, entering the family and showing empathy, trying to get your head around the family dynamics that are already there (or not there, but should be there!), takes time. It’s worth doing, as those teenagers will be more accepting and respectful towards you.
If you want to jealously guard your new husband/wife, expect there to be difficulties, especially when there are children around. Despite all their mood swings etc., these teenagers still want to spend time with mum or dad. It gives them a sense of safety and security and they always look to their birth parent/s as role models, which is why it’s so important for such parents to BE role models.
It’s also natural for a teenager to talk to his or her birth parent, so don’t be surprised if you are left out of the conversation. I remember doing this often with my dad. I would wait for my step-mother to go out and then approach him. At other times it was fine to hear her opinion and allow her to be a part of a more sensitive, perhaps personal conversation. I know there were time she felt she was being shut out and, instead of working at being a friend, she took things personally and probably reacted inappropriately.
Another point that is hugely important to remember is that teenagers are going through all the confusions linked to puberty. A great parent and step-parent will try to get their head around this fact, do some reading and research, attend a parenting seminar for example – do anything that will help you better understand these teenagers and that will reassure them that their high and low days are part of journeying through adolescence to adulthood.
And how much more challenging is it for those teenagers if there is a mental illness or an addiction within the family – that’s another area of blogs!!
A final point is just to work hard if the new partnership results in more children. I remember my dad asking us if we would want a younger brother or sister and we said, ‘no thanks’, although the decision was really not ours to make, but I have always respected him for asking us an opinion. My point? It’s easy for the parents to pour all the love and affection into the children born from this new partnership and, without realising it, ignoring (sometimes not intentionally) the needs of growing teenagers. The challenge remains to ensure that all members of the family feel loved, secure, safe and treated fairly and as equals at all times.
I could write a whole lot more, but these are some thoughts from my own experiences. The good thing is that we are all good friends today, though my dad died some years ago. I am godfather to my step-sister’s son, my mother now almost 81 lives with my step-sister and her family, yet we all communicate, remember each others’ birthdays etc. etc.
My step-mother, who had been divorced for a number of years, had a daughter of her own, a couple of years younger than me, from her first marriage.
Our home life was stable and we felt secure at all times, though there were lots of challenges. Of course, my battle with cancer, did not help and obviously I received plenty more attention than my siblings, which created other issues, I am sure. My sister, especially, battled, as she had been the one organising things on the domestic front after my mother died and now she had to hand over that role to my step-mother. My brother always felt that my dad did not pay him enough time and affection, though my dad, like so many who had seen the grim realities of World War, battled to openly express affection, but expressed it in lots of other ways eg, letters, wording on a birthday card, watching sports etc.
All three of us battled with the extra attention showered on my step-sister. Her father spoilt her and my step-mother spoilt her in different ways, so we were probably jealous of the attention and that caused a few ripples in the home.
Looking back over those years, it’s difficult to know what could have been done differently, as we all have our strengths and weaknesses, some parents try harder than others and so on.
However, as far as teenagers are concerned, it’s important for the step-parent to keep reminding themselves that they are ‘not’ and never will be the birth parent and it’s not a good idea to try and take on that role. As a teacher and School Principal, I encouraged step-parents simply to set out and become a great friend of their step-children. This creates a different relationship dynamic which is more realistic, probably healthier and will last into the future.
When entering the relationship, step-parents need to face the reality of the relationship they are choosing to enter. I have heard so many step-parents saying that they chose to marry the husband or wife, not to parent the children as well. Such people have gone into a relationship totally blind and it will come as no surprise if they experience difficulties.
Surely, our children are precious and we have to make sacrifices as we encourage them to reach their potential. Such sacrifices require us to take on the role of taxi, spending family time and holidays with them, having the discussions about who will watch which program on TV and when, who might use the computer and when, who will clean which rooms and when, who will wash the dishes and when, who will mow the lawn and when, who will do what and when – get the message!
When our step-children are teenagers, we need to negotiate with them, not order, demand etc. etc., especially when we are the new arrival to the home. So, going in like a new broom and trying to sweep clean, could well be a strategy leading to disaster. However, entering the family and showing empathy, trying to get your head around the family dynamics that are already there (or not there, but should be there!), takes time. It’s worth doing, as those teenagers will be more accepting and respectful towards you.
If you want to jealously guard your new husband/wife, expect there to be difficulties, especially when there are children around. Despite all their mood swings etc., these teenagers still want to spend time with mum or dad. It gives them a sense of safety and security and they always look to their birth parent/s as role models, which is why it’s so important for such parents to BE role models.
It’s also natural for a teenager to talk to his or her birth parent, so don’t be surprised if you are left out of the conversation. I remember doing this often with my dad. I would wait for my step-mother to go out and then approach him. At other times it was fine to hear her opinion and allow her to be a part of a more sensitive, perhaps personal conversation. I know there were time she felt she was being shut out and, instead of working at being a friend, she took things personally and probably reacted inappropriately.
Another point that is hugely important to remember is that teenagers are going through all the confusions linked to puberty. A great parent and step-parent will try to get their head around this fact, do some reading and research, attend a parenting seminar for example – do anything that will help you better understand these teenagers and that will reassure them that their high and low days are part of journeying through adolescence to adulthood.
And how much more challenging is it for those teenagers if there is a mental illness or an addiction within the family – that’s another area of blogs!!
A final point is just to work hard if the new partnership results in more children. I remember my dad asking us if we would want a younger brother or sister and we said, ‘no thanks’, although the decision was really not ours to make, but I have always respected him for asking us an opinion. My point? It’s easy for the parents to pour all the love and affection into the children born from this new partnership and, without realising it, ignoring (sometimes not intentionally) the needs of growing teenagers. The challenge remains to ensure that all members of the family feel loved, secure, safe and treated fairly and as equals at all times.
I could write a whole lot more, but these are some thoughts from my own experiences. The good thing is that we are all good friends today, though my dad died some years ago. I am godfather to my step-sister’s son, my mother now almost 81 lives with my step-sister and her family, yet we all communicate, remember each others’ birthdays etc. etc.
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