4. Teenager rebels against authority - Pete's story

Pete’s (not his real name) mother was desperate. She had had enough of his antisocial behaviour and wanted him out of the house. While he did some of his duties at home, he was simply becoming a lazy layabout, often abusing alcohol, probably messing with drugs and treating her with contempt.

I had only met Pete a couple of times. He was always dressed in black, wearing a heavy black overcoat, which must have been awful during the hot summer months, but he was clearly cultivating this Gothic image. He was always polite and friendly, though did not say much, preferring to sit quietly smoking. He would have been 18 or 19 by then and had spent a couple of years bumming around, heavily into drugs, alcohol and whatever he and some mates could get up to. He had moved out of house a couple of years earlier as well, had been thrown out of school because he was disruptive, disrespectful of authority figures and always being caught smoking. I often wondered if the latter was not really a cry for attention which the school missed – maybe there were too many Petes at the school?

His world had fallen apart and one night he knocked on the door, unkempt and in a shocking state, and asked his mum if he could come home. Mum, a single parent with a daughter much younger than Pete, reluctantly agreed. She herself had had a tough life, made some unwise choices, but had, in recent years, turned her life around completely. Mum was an incredibly bright person who did not suffer fools gladly. So, she gave Pete yet another chance and he was messing it up.

Somehow I entered the picture. I can’t recall whether she asked me to have a chat to him or whether I volunteered to do so. No matter, this is what happened.

I arrived at Pete’s home and he was waiting for me. I asked him what he would like to do and was greeted by a surly, “I don’t know. Mum said you were going to come around,” or words to that affect.

So, I took him out for a coffee at a nearby garden café. We sat out in the garden and chatted about this and that. I should have mentioned earlier that he was studying school by correspondence and was really not being tested much. He clearly was a bright lad.

We got talking about his best and his worst subjects etc and I gradually steered the conversation to what he would like to do if he had all the necessary qualifications. He said he would like to be an engineer of sorts because he was fascinated by guns and the more he talked, the more I realised he had done a lot of internet research about weapons.

Hearing this, I briefly called a halt to the proceedings and dashed to my car to get some paper which I had brought along just in case J Back I went and we spent the next hour or so planning his future ie, if he wanted to become an engineer, what would he have to do? We traced a number of career paths, the most important being that perhaps the Army could become an option. He had no money and his mum would not be able to afford tertiary fees etc., so if he went into the army he could gain a variety of qualifications, receive free accommodation and board etc. etc. We talked about short-term goals and long-term goals, small action steps and so on. My message to Pete throughout all this was quite simple: “If you want all this, you are smart enough to achieve it.”

As we climbed back into the car for the return home, Pete looked at me and thanked me for giving him the time. “I have never done anything like this in my life,” he said referring to the goal getting approach we had talked about.

That began a journey of about 6 to 8 weeks, during which time I met with Pete once a week and we continued to talk and to plan his future. He had never read books and, one day when I collected him, he informed me that he had been reading The Davinci Code and was loving it. That took us on a lengthy discussion about religion and Christianity and we genuinely explored a number of issues. I also had to read the book so that we had something to talk about. Pete was changing.

Pete also decided that he was going to apply for the Army. He obtained the forms, completed them and set about the application process, which required a few training exercises led by army folk to see if he would be suitable. This chain-smoker and heavy drinker trying to get fit was a laugh in itself, but he gave it his best shot.

When we met, Pete shared more of his personal story. His dad lived in another country and he hadn’t seen him for years. He rebelled against authority figures and basically was a law unto himself. He openly admitted getting involved with the wrong crowds and was more of a follower than a leader. We chatted about that attitude and I quietly painted pictures showing him how destructive and negative antisocial behavior was.

The day before Pete was to attend his final army training qualification exercise I happened to be meeting up with him. He was angry, irritable, said he wasn’t going into the army any longer, as he hated authority figures and ranted and raved in his own way. I sat listening for a while and then suddenly stood up and said that I was dropping him at home. I think he was a little surprised, but I said he clearly was not having a good day, he was making his own life choices, so if he didn’t want to go into the army that was his choice, not mine and he would live with the choices he made, because that’s the reality of life.

He started apologising, but I told him there was no need, as it’s okay to have not-so-good days from time to time. However, if he wanted to link up with me again in the future, he knew where to find me.

Next day I was driving down to the coast and received a call on my mobile. It was Pete.
“Hey! I decided to have a go at the army and so attended the training today. I’m waiting to hear how I did?’
A few minutes later the phone rang again.
“Hey, I’ve been accepted into the army.” Pete was delighted. He had achieved a goal.

We met up once more before he headed for the army and I used the time to review the few months we had been chatting. I pointed out to him how he had made some important choices and how positive they had been. When we had first met, he was ready to quit his studies, but after that first day of meeting and doing some career planning, he had picked up his academic efforts and ultimately passed very well. He had achieved his goal of making the army.

Just before I dropped him at home that day, he asked me if I knew that he was taking drugs when we had first met.
“I suspected as much,” I nodded.
“Well, I just want you to know that I have not touched a drug since that day we first met.”

A few weeks later I went to see him off. This normally tough looking Gothic creature was a nervous, scared wreck and admitted as such as he boarded the bus for the army camp.

Well, Pete got to within one week of completing his basic training and decided to bail out. He said he realised he did not want to have a career in such an authoritarian place.

Was that the truth? Was Pete suddenly seeing himself succeeding at something, gaining a qualification of some sort and scared about the next phase, as he had never done consistently well? Will we ever know the truth behind that decision?

Pete did not become a layabout, although his mother did tell him he would have to find alternative accommodation. This was an agreement they had made together before Pete went into the army. Tough though it was to enforce, she did so and Pete drifted for a few months until deciding to train as a Bar Manager through a local tertiary institution. Thus, he could find work and study at the same time to gain the necessary Certification.

I received an email from him last Christmas, telling me that he had obtained his Certificate and thanking me for being an encouragement to him, despite his ups and downs.

Today Pete is engaged and getting married soon. He has his own flat which he is renting and is managing a bar. He seems content, though I suspect that he will climb the career ladder, as he is smart and has a very good brain. I haven’t met his fiancée, as I live in another country now, but I hope that she encourages him to reach his potential.

Earlier in the week I received a message from Pete on Facebook, which began, “Hello, my friend from ….”

I am grateful for the time I spent with Pete. He taught me plenty and underlined the importance of never judging a book by its cover and a whole lot more. I think, too, it reinforced the point that these vulnerable young people need significant adults in their lives, but it was Pete’s choice to meet with me and to begin the journey of sharing.

It’s possibly time I sent him a challenge on Facebook – time to go.